I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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