he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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