dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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