The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
