If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
