god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I deserve this hangover.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
