You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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