Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i may or may not be watching the land before time
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
