did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
