I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
