Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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