he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
