I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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