1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
it's great music for shaving your balls
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
