The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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