wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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