Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
