wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
