but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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