EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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