i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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