I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
