The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
