I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
