the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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