Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize