I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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