This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
