I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
