I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
