what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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