I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
