I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
