Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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