I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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