Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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