He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
