im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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