I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
