He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
