I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
His hands were made for my vagina.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
