i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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