I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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