so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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