i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
