The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
