Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
