3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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