hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
