Pants 0. Shit 1.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
