i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
