At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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