walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
