There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize