you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
