You're completely useless in the revolution.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
