I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
