Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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