I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
