I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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