69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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