Define "chronic" masturbator.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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