all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
