i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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