I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
