Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
This is my life. Enjoy the view
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
ok first of all what the fuck
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
