i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
