she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
The Olympian is in my bed
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
