i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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