I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
